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Tuesday March 10, 2020 subscribe |
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My First Colonoscopy™ because I'm at that age where medical science is now eager to poke and probe me like a prospector looking for the mother lode the process begins days in advance with dietary restrictions and then a 30-hour fast and prescription laxative cleanse they mail you a one-gallon plastic jug with a little bit of GaviLyte powder in the bottom, plus an additional lemon flavoring packet stuck to the outside because i guess some people prefer to choke down the goo plain? you fill the jug with water and pound half of it the night before, the other half in the morning. the effect was fast-acting and pretty dramatic. i figured the best way to weather the wringing-out was to take a long bath, which was interrupted by 10 wet-assed squats upon the throne. i spent the first part of the fast daydreaming about food but after the first purge i wasn't hungry and was feeling clear and light and slept pretty well and was relieved to wake up among sheets still clean and dry. skipped the usual coffee, finished off the mixture and took another slow bath, this time with only three side trips, after the last of which nothing was left. my appointment was for 2:30 and the instructions specified i was to bring an escort because post-procedure i'd be out of my head from sedatives and such, so sarah and i walked the two blocks to South building of the kaiser-permanente capitol hill campus. how convenient to live so close to a hospital when it's time to have a long snaky object slithered up your butt. we were subject to an intense screening at the main entrance:"have you been coughing or had a fever today?" when we said no they stuck green dots to us and we proceeded to the second floor where i was horrified by the disclosure agreement that warned this procedure might result in anything from brain damage to heart attack to paralysis to death. barbara ehrenreich wrote a book on this topic but since i haven't read it yet i signed my life away right there in waiting area 2B—or not to be? everything was punctual and efficient and i kept my pink socks and eyeglasses on as i changed into a skimpy gown and lied down on the gurney, feet overhanging the end. one size does not fit all, neither gown nor gurney nor blanket. i was sticking out all over but that wouldn't matter since i'd soon have my hairy ass bared to two young women and a joke-telling dude in a harshly lit room replete with camera, latex, and lube. it could have been a porn shoot. the blankets were toasty from the dryer and i felt quite relaxed though typically i have no great love of clinical settings, but i've had a little more practice than usual in the past year between dentist, ruptured ear drum, and a tweaked neck. a nurse prepped me with an IV drip and a bunch of sensors for vital signs. she was incanting a litany of disclaimers about the anesthetic when i butt in to ask if i had to take it. she was surprised but admitted not everybody does, so i opted out. if it got really bad, they could add it to the bag any time. i'm scared of words like fentanyl and warnings not to sign anything or make any major life decisions for 24 hours. anal probing is one thing, messing with my central nervous system is another. don't get me wrong—i enjoy dabbling with psychoactive inputs, but only on my own terms. i just don't get high on relinquishing lucidity in a clinical setting. anyway, how bad could it be? i wished they'd let me keep my camera as i took that classic supine ride down hospital corridor to procedure room and greeted aforementioned laughing youngsters. i could see how being half knocked-out might make the situation less embarrassing but i was too curious and wanted to enjoy the ride eyes wide open. (do the amnesia-inducing drugs they typically administer address social awkwardness more than physical pain?) i rolled over on my left side, oxygen clip pinching my septum, blood pressure cuff squeezes bicep, finger bit by an alligator clip, IV drip to elbow crook, sensors glued to arms and chest. they confirmed they had the right guy with the call and response cadence of a cockpit flightcheck, astronauts perched atop their rockets, immersed in space age technology, i was feeling the 21st century in my bones and, soon, elsewhere. they had me. |
 the image on the big bright flat screen facing me jerked and lurched dizzily as the doctor readied for the plunge. i dreaded witnessing a slow approach to my unlovely bung, but he swiftly zeroed in on his target, quick glimpse milky cheeks then—BOOM!—fantastic voyage as my insides leapt to life on the screen, vivid and glistening, throbbing and sleek, suddenly exposed for all to see. i laughed in wonder as the scope began its journey up my large intestine. it was much cleaner and prettier than i expected. they puff the colon full of air to better navigate and inspect the pathway—3 inch diameter!— and dealing with that pressure was the hardest part. it took several minutes getting over the urge to fart. you have to remember there's nothing there but what the team was sticking, blowing, and squirting in. those working the business end of the rig have a shit job. (JK, they complimented me on how well i'd cleaned out.) the weirdest part was feeling the tube squirming and turning tight corners up inside my guts which the doctor likened to pinocchio after i'd brought up the chestbuster in Alien. the discomfort became acute in the hairpin curves and some external manipulation was needed to keep it all moving in the right direction, but i just breathed with it and relaxed. "your colon just keeps going! how tall are you?" "Six three or so. i guess it all scales up, huh?" "yes." we finally reached the tail end of my small intestine, which is where today's tour ended, but soon we'd reverse the journey for the actual inspection, exit through the gift shop with acute rectum scrutiny. the doc showed me my appendix on the screen so i asked if we could look for the penny i swallowed in 1973. "did you really?" but he didn't probe further. he used a blue light at times that looked like lightning in a slimy pink cavern and i lamented the personal camera ban because it turns out my guts would make for cool abstract visuals to project behind a band. (oh well, i figured, we're all the same inside, it must be out there, but later i learned good colonoscopy footage is hard to find.) almost backtracked all the way out without finding any polyps and doc said if there were none i wouldn't have to come back for another ten years, but then there was one rather benign little bugger, a potential pet perhaps, which he snipped out as i watched, not feeling a thing because the colon is devoid of nerve endings. precious made its way into a jar for lab testing. even before they rolled me in i overhead a patient behind adjacent curtain in prep room saying her father called himself a polyp farmer because every time he went in they harvested a bumper crop, so i'm hoping just one is not too big a deal. what would have made the experience even niftier would have been one of those convex back-up mirrors you see on delivery trucks; i could vividly see what was going on inside of me but not who or what was knocking at my back door. as something of a tool guy, i wanted to check the grip and ergonomics of their gear. half an hour after it started, the versatile snake slithered back out. we were all cheerful and chuckling over little silly comments and the doctor asked if i'd do it again without drugs. i didn't hesitate: "yes!" he admitted he'd never undergone the procedure himself. i wonder if when his time comes, now he'll take it straight. i was pretty amazed by the technology and quality of care but i still think the default tendency to prescribe our way out of even the slightest discomfort is a mistake. especially in this case, i wanted to be remember it, plus not being numbed out provided more accurate feedback for the doctor, who was sensitive enough to notice when my foot tensed up in a pain response and he'd adjust his approach. so maybe it was good the blankets were too short. if it had been poker, my tensed foot was the tell. another benefit of declining the drugs was i didn't have to linger in recovery. i got dressed. they gave me a can of cranberry. My First Colonoscopy™ gets two thumbs up. but as much fun as it was, it's always a relief to walk away from a hospital, a prisoner set free, released. |