Well, I just got back from The Burning Man, an overrated annual freakfest of pseudospiritualism and elitist escapism. There was less nudity for nudity's sake this year, but there were still many who insisted on parading their reproductive equipment in the sun, their bodies painted shades the good lord never intended people to wear. And the dust! Couldn't they have done something about that, like maybe 80 acres of Astroturf, a few million throw rugs, or better yet a retractable roof? But it's obvious the "organizers" had only humiliation, degradation, and discomfort on their minds. If this were a real event, then why no vendors? Are these people insensate to the motherlode that is ancillary merchandising? I didn't have that much fun but I still would've bought a T-shirt...if there'd been any! And haven't any of these The Burning Man people heard that trusted axiom of business: location, location, location? This so-called festival took place in the middle of an f---ing desert! You want to check your email? Ha! Good luck. I couldn't even get a dial tone on my satellite phone. Whoever it was who picked this godforsaken spot obviously doesn't have as many important appointments as I do! I respect the idea of tolerance but let us beware lest it shade over into permissiveness. When I go walking down the street I don't appreciate being harangued by strangers or having my behind whipped by the golden kneelength braids of a stiltwalking tranvestite. To those who mocked and rebuked my artistry I have only one thing to say: If you don't want your picture taken next year, stay in your tent! Luckily, they burned The Burning Man on Saturday night instead of Sunday this year so I was able to stay up late. It wasn't too much fun waiting in a stalled line of cars all day Sunday trying to get off the playa, but I had the CD changer loaded up in the trunk, the AC turned full on, and the seatbelt serenity of knowing I was one flick of the cruise control away from the comfort and security of my workaday routine. Next year I think I'll just watch the webcast from home.