Maybe it's because I recently did time as an MS butterfly, but it hurt me to see KT crush this grub between her fingers. She was pulling grass to make way for flagstone border to the pond she and John spent all Sunday and then some installing. I was called in as a consultant on the waterfall, a job for which I was qualified primarily by many hours happily misspent at Cornell watching Fall Creek cascade when I should have been in class. Texas grass is tough, the roots have barbs and only grudgingly relinquish their hold on the clay which passes for soil in these parts. With night came rain and warnings of tornadoes but we sat by windows anyway.

Bonus feature: How to Build a Backyard Pond!

Dig hole. A pond is really just a hole full of water. That's a tip you can use. But wait! No water yet. If there is water in your hole (due to rain, urination, or broken water mains), you must remove it.

Remove it, the water. Using a pump, straw, or your strong worker's hands, remove water and debris from the bottom of your hole. You can make this dirty job more enjoyable by pretending you are panning for gold.

Install liner. A liner is an impermeable layer which will keep the water from draining out of your pond. The French word for raincoat is impermeable. Use leftover material to fashion a raincoat. Or hat. Fill your pond.

Put rocks. In the wild, rocks are sometimes found by the pound in ponds. No reason you should not emulate nature. Be sure to wash them first so as not to becloud your water.

Put pump. This will run on electricity and move water from pond to top of waterfall, from which point gravity will return water to pond, making delightful sound as it goes. Using liquid other than water in your pond will void pump warranty. Caveat emptor!

Call consultant. You could try building the waterfall yourself, but you would probably just fuck it up. It could take you years to figure out how water works, so you'll actually save money by calling in a professional.

Pull grass. Think Japanese stone garden, not weedy lot. Grass is nice when it knows its place. Its place is not the flagstone path around your pond. That's just the way it is.

Dump dirt. You will put rocks on top of this. It goes around the pond for people to walk on, possibly with cocktails in their hands. Actually, this is not dirt. It is sand. If you can tell the difference between dirt and sand, you are halfway there!

Enough already! That's it! Bask in the glory of your improvement, relax to the soothing sounds by moonlight. Your neighbors will be jealous, but don't let that prevent you from inviting them over to warm themselves in the glow of your accomplishment.